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"Not What I Expected": The Book

Not What I Expected:

Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children  

  

NOMINATED FOR 2016 "BOOKS FOR A BETTER LIFE" AWARD

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Having worked with thousands of children and parents for over 20 years, Dr. Eichenstein established a paradigm for the complicated and profound emotional challenges parents face when they learn that their child has “unique” issues. She wrote Not What I Expected to help parents learn how to cope with theroller coaster of feelings parents encounter parenting a child who is different from what “they expected.”

 Not What I Expected is designed to help parents of atypical children understand what they are feeling and learn how to manage their emotions. It serves as both an inspiring guide and practical parenting toolbox as Dr. Eichenstein gently walks parents step by step through the inner and outer challenges of their “atypical” parenting journey.

Dr. Eichenstein notes that, “logic may tell us that no one is perfect, but nothing about parenting is logical. Our response to learning that our child is atypical is rarely logical either.” Therefore, Not What I Expected gives parents license to accept their “atypical” lives and the skills to nurture themselves for their own sake and for the wellbeing of the entire family.Written with compassion, clarity, and an emphasis on practical solutions, Dr. Rita Eichenstein offers strategies for calming, focusing, and moving forward. Ultimately, Not What I Expected is the must-have resource, which guides parents towards greater self-awareness, mindfulness and compassion for self and their unique child.

Here is what readers are saying about "Not What I Expected": 

"Though parenting any child can be demanding, pediatric neuropsychologist Eichenstein understands that particular challenges face the parents of “atypical” children, identified in this helpful manual as those who have “developmental, psychological, or learning disorders” or exhibit problematic behavior. She explains the neurobiology behind the feelings commonly experienced by such parents, including loss, denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, illustrated with relatable stories of the families with whom she’s worked. Eichenstein strongly counsels readers to trust the experts when it comes to diagnoses, remediation, and treatment. For her part, she offers therapeutic tools derived from cognitive psychology and her own long practice. She also addresses a range of pediatric disorders, including ADHD, autism, intellectual disability, and OCD. Her tone throughout maintains the “patient, positive, and optimistic outlook” that she wants to help parents cultivate. Indeed, any parent might benefit from the techniques outlined here. Sage and consistently reassuring, Eichenstein’s manual is a self-help book of the best kind, a road map for an emotionally fraught journey that illustrates how parenting itself can become an avenue for personal growth."
—Publishers Weekly, starred review


"A superb book. Chock full of arresting insights as well as warmth and wisdom."
—Edward Hallowell, M.D., author of The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness

“Full of relatable stories and accessible grounding science, Not What I Expected offers parents validation, empathy, and practical tools.  A deeply personal read, readers may feel as if they're sitting with Dr. Eichenstein, who is all at once understanding them, challenging them, and leading them to acceptance and empowerment in their roles as parents.”
—Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, co-author of the NY Times bestselling books The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline

“At last, a book that speaks directly to parents of children who are atypical, as well as to their teachers. Easily digestible and offering insight, support, warmth, and a touch of humor, Not What I Expected will enhance your parenting toolbox and enrich your parenting life.”
--Betsy Brown Braun, MA, Child Development and Behavior Specialist, and bestselling author of Just Tell Me What to Say and You’re Not the Boss of Me

“A gem of a book. Dr. Rita Eichenstein has written with remarkable insight and compassion about the rarely focused on problems of the parents and family members of learning disabled or atypical children. A must-read for practitioners as well as parents.”
—Marion Solomon, Ph.D., author of Lean On Me and The Wonder Of We In A Culture Of Me

“With an enormous amount of experience, and mastery of the atypical brain, Dr. Eichenstein provides a road map for understanding and thriving alongside your atypical child. Not What I Expected is a must-have for any parent who has an atypical child and/or a professional who works with special needs families.”
—Dr. Charles Sophy, Psychiatrist and Medical Director for the County of Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services

“Clear, practical and filled with hope, the ideas and practices in this book offer a science-based common sense approach that any parent or practitioner working with an atypical child will be benefit from. What better gift can we give these children!"
Elisha Goldstein, PhD, author of Uncovering Happiness: Overcoming depression with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion

“Where other resources are content to focus on a child's condition, Not What I Expected takes the critical next step in guiding parents through these difficult times.  And it does this brilliantly, combining clinical rigor with a deep empathy for every member of the family and each one's special challenges.  The result is a book that is an indispensable partner for parenting the atypical child and helping families live full, loving lives together.”
Michelle Miller, M.D., Pediatric Cardiologist, Associate Professor of Medicine, Florida State University School of Medicine

“An excellent guide that off ers a well-rounded approach and hold s a treasury of great information.”
—Lance Steinberg, MD, assistant clinical professor of UCLA (Geff en) NPI and pediatric/adolescent psychopharmacologist
 
“This is a wonderful, well-written book that helps parents of atypical children deal with the wide range of emotions such a parenting journey brings. Ultimately, the book guides parents toward greater self-awareness, mindfulness, and compassion for self and their unique child.”
—Lidia Zylowska, MD, psychiatrist, cofounder of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center, and author of Th e Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD
 
 
“I urge any parent who is struggling with an atypical child to pick up Not What I Expected. You’ll be fortified to savor the rewards, and sustained to withstand the challenges, in dealing with your surprising,unexpected child.”
--Zoë Kessler, B.A., B.Ed., author of ADHD According to Zoë: The Real Deal on Relationships, Finding Your Focus & Finding Your Keys

“There's a lot of useful information here and a clear intention to acknowledge parents' struggles… compassionate advice for parents of atypical children.”
– Kirkus Reviews

From a Parent:  Not What I Expected was....not what I expected. The subtitle is "Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children," but this book is also great for educators, therapists, physicians, and extended family. I am a gifted education specialist who works with kids who have been identified as "2E," gifted and also facing emotional and/or academic challenges. I have been searching for a book I could share with the parents and teachers of my clients to help them understand both the struggles of the 2E child as well as the struggles associated with raising these atypical children. When you see the previous ratings of five out of five stars, you might assume these are all friends of the author, but I have never met Dr. Eichenstein. This book is a must read for any of us who are raising (or grandparenting) atypical children, teaching atypical children, and/or who are therapists for the parents of atypical children. While most books focus on the children, Dr. Eichenstein focuses on improving the lives of the parents and the relationship between the parent and the child. I was impressed to see the depth and breadth of the strategies, as well as attention to both Western medicine and complementary modalities such as mindfulness. As Dr. Eichenstein reminds the reader, "You are not the cause of your child's condition. But you can sure make it worse." I believe this book has the potential to positively impact the lives of parents with atypical children.Starting with the play on words on that other popular parenting book, you quickly perceive that Eichenstein is a wonderful, creative neuropsychologist who conveys her compassion for parents starting with the thwarting of their expectations for a healthy, normal child.

The predominant theme in this book might be expressed in the saying, “Mourn the child you thought you had, then embrace the one you do.” The author uses the framework of the five stages of grief to give parents the perspective of how their emotions can block them from getting the help their child needs, in spite of their best intentions.

However, Eichenstein’s explanations go well beyond a simplistic “time heals everything” understanding of grief. She addresses the raw, honest and dark thoughts and feelings of disappointed parents with respect and compassion. She knows her topic well from her experiences as a neuropsychologist who assesses children with learning differences. She has seen parents be unable to process the bad news, and the suffering that causes to the child and the parents’ relationship with each other.
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